Pay the Piper
by S.F.Acronym
Summary: "Hi my name is Piper Meridian, I'm sixteen, half Caucasian half Latina, love to sing, an Aries and apparently the perfect pawn to a walking Fashion Disaster's evil scheme to take over another dimension. Call me?" Another one of those "Real people in the Narutoverse stories" except an attempt at realism and hilarity at the same time. OC


Pay the Piper

A/N: This is just for funnies. I need a break from all the TWT, TDM drama! So here's another one of those, "main character magically gets transported into the Naruto world" stories. I'm sure those have a name….

Warning: Lots of cursing, that's the reason this is rated M. Confused ninjas, confused OC, funny stereotypes against Orochimaru. You know the usual. There are also some really awful jokes about WWII, I tried not to be really insensitive with them though so don't flame me!

Disclaimer: I wouldn't be here if I owned Naruto, so don't assume such things silly people! Oh, and I don't own any of the song titles I use as names for chapters, so I don't own Judy Garland, the Wizard of Oz or Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Key: _Italics _equal writing.

'Thoughts'

"Dialogue"

Piper's narration.

K let's do this thing!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

_Name_:

I momentarily considered putting "The Shit" on my audition form, but I didn't want anyone to misconstrue my meaning so I settled for the truth. It sets you free after all.

_Piper Meridian_

Smiley face or no smiley face? Seriously, why didn't my parents think to give my birth name a smiley face? Don't they know that it is my life's work to bring joy to people simply by my presence alone? I guess I'll have to add it myself.

I scribbled out the original to add the necessary finishing touch, pleased with myself at the new name.

_Piper Meridian =) _

Alright, next question.

_Grade?_

Hmmm, should I lie and say Senior so I have a better shot at getting into the Senior Musical or should I tell the truth? Huh…nah, someone as awesome as me doesn't need to lie to get what she wants!

_Junior_

I was this close to adding bitch, but it's best not to piss off the people you're about to make an impression on.

_What part(s) are you interested in?_

Dorothy! Clearly because I am female with brown hair, yellow hued skin, sparkling brown eyes and a voice that brings all the boys to the yard. I was made for this part, I will settle for nothing less!

_Dorothy_

The intensity with which I wrote the words implies bitch as an afterthought. The judges will know that I will accept nothing less.

_Are you willing to accept a different part or work as an understudy? _

The words "hell no" were just itching to be written in the face of that blasphemous question. Did you not just hear my thoughts on this subject, question? You dare ask of me such an insulting request? I should have you put down.

_Possibly_

No sense in ruining my chances by being a spoiled brat though…

_Are you willing to dye your hair?_

No should be the immediate answer to this, firstly because I don't need to dye my hair considering I'll be Dorothy and Dorothy already has brown hair. Secondly because my hair is beautiful the way it is, thank you very much.

_Possibly_

Again, I need to make a good first impression…

_Are you willing to work in the Tech crew?_

No! Dammit why do you keep asking me all of these unsavory questions?! I hate you.

_Maybe_

Maybe is not the same as "possibly" it is a much weaker form.

With that I rose from the uncomfortable seating of the main office and happily turned my audition sheet into the Fine Arts Receptionist and after skimming it she handed over the script, music and musical score. I was happy, she was not. If I had to guess her boyfriend of three years had broken up with her sometime between recently and get over it already and she was holding a grudge because she'd thought he'd been "the one" and that they were going to get married and she'd become a housewife and escape her life of dealing with vicious teenagers on a nearly daily basis.

Or she just hated her job. It was really hard to tell.

Luckily I don't care which is highlighted by the fact that I skipped away merrily without a second glance.

PP (The Page Perforator!)

Today was the day.

"Hey Piper!"

Today was the day that I was going to become Dorothy!

"Uh, hello?"

I could see it now, the bright shining lights of the stage beaming down on my perfection as I sing my heart out in my own rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", the crowd going wild over my performance, some very attractive males showering roses at my feet as they announce their undying love for me…

"Earth to Piper?!"

And when the lights dimmed, which I would be grateful for because they would probably make me really sweaty, gross, the Great and Powerful Oz would be waiting for me, who will most definitely be played by Micah Hernandez the hottest drama nerd in MacArthur High School. He would sweep me off my feet, say something incredibly cheesy but strikingly romantic and we would make out for the rest of the night to the tune of the never ending cheers of my adoring fans-

"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooo-"

"What?!" I snapped at the only person who would dare interrupt my wonderful musings.

Tyler Benson smiled adorably with a hidden undertone of smarminess. Sweet Hay-sus I hate him, but alas he is my best friend.

"Welcome back to Earth She-Narcissus, what were you thinking about so hard?" But Tyler Benson was just as a good a "face deconstruct-er" as I was, so he already knew.

"Shove it Tyler Benson." I mumbled into my milk carton, devising how many ways I could harm him using only the tools around me. Yes, a chair to the face would be a fitting punishment for pulling me from my Micah induced thoughts.

"Piper, I know you're "The Shit"-"

"Thank you." Someone understands.

"But you're jumping the gun way too quickly, you haven't even tried out yet and you don't know who's trying out. This is called the "Senior Musical" for a reason." Tyler Benson reminded me, but I've learned so far to filter out any negative remarks about myself or my dreams by pretending the person delivering them is a mute.

I'm sorry Tyler Benson, what was that?

"Pish posh." I dismissed. Discussion over.

Tyler Benson understood my ways.

"Fine, I believe in you Piper. I do think that version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow is pretty killer and they'd have to be deaf not to pick you."

Oh that's what you said. That makes more sense.

"Thanks."

"You'll do great." Tyler Benson continued to encourage.

"I know."

"Is modesty anywhere in your vocabulary?"

"Does it have anything to do with attaining fame and fortune?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

PP (The Piper Pull-out…)

Tyler Benson is a techie, so he warned me beforehand who the judges would be for the upcoming audition as well as the special guests attending.

Some guy, Mr.S something, was looking to invest in a school with promising talent being that he was a Fine Arts benefactor. So I came up with a plan.

Piper's Plan, (The PP that only rivals in genius to "The Shit" that's me!)

Step one: Absolute amaze them with my acting skills.

Step two: Blow them away in my singing portion

Step three: Make benefactor so amazed with these attributes that he mentions me after my performance to the judges.

Step four: Cackle evilly like the Wicked Witch of the West in _**my**_ Dorothy costume as I watch the losers march home in utter defeat.

It was fool-proof!

PP (Piper's Plan (Unfolds!))

The judges had on a straight face the whole time. The whole time! How could they have kept their emotions so under wraps after my amazing performance?

There must be a logical explanation for this!

I walked out of the auditorium pondering this, making my way slowly to the bathrooms as I got lost in thought.

Maybe it was a body snatcher sort of thing…no, the aliens surely would've loved my performance just as much as a human, so this wasn't a plausible explanation.

What is unfeeling enough to completely ignore my beautiful singing voice? Hmm, oh I know, robots. They don't have emotions you know.

Yes, I have somehow mysteriously been transported to the world of IRobot, now all I need to do is wait for Will Smith to whisk me away. Ah Will Smith, why did you have to make your fine ass unavailable? How I only wish~

"Piper Meridian?"

Who dares disturb my inner Will Smith ramblings? I turned slowly raising a curious eyebrow.

I just barely stopped myself from spinning back around.

Oh sweet Mary he's ugly! That greasy, stringy hair, that pale, sickly skin, those bright frightfully yellow eyes and the thin rail of a body! It was all the signs of a walking Fashion Disaster.

He is frightening.

He is in dire need of an emergency "What not to Wear" makeover ASAP.

Oh…and he's the Fine Arts benefactor.

"Yes?" I replied warily, because his ugliness is like repellent, but there was something else about him that just screamed "Evil Villain".

"I am Mr. Sannin, the Fine Arts benefactor."

They should call you Mr. Fugly.

"Nice to meet you." I put on a polite smile and tried not to look like I wanted to escape into the girl's restrooms as soon as possible.

We shook hands, and my eye twitched at the childish thought that he'd just given me some of his cooties. Ew, ew, ew, ew!

"I rather enjoyed your performance; your version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow conveyed just the emotions I think embodies Dorothy perfectly."

Normally a compliment like that would've had me beaming, after all anyone who could clearly recognize talent deserved the benefit of the doubt no matter how creepy they looked right?

That rule does not apply to this…he-she-it-thing.

Thankfully I am an actress and therefore can _act_ like I don't want to pass out in a dead faint at the sight of whatever this person is.

"Thank you." See, he'll never suspect a thing. Though his eyes are boring into my body like he's searching for something…I wonder if I can achieve that same affect with yellow contacts? Maybe it'll get Tyler Benson off my back when he's annoying me…

I can totally understand why he's looking like he wants to eat me though, cute checkered blue and white farm girl dress over a ruffle sleeved white shirt with white thigh high stockings and stiletto red sparkly heels? Who wouldn't want a piece of me?

"I could use talent like that, what would you say to an opportunity to work with Sound?"

"Sound" was only one of the most up and coming successful record labels in the Western Hemisphere, I'd also heard that they'd started their hostile takeover in Japan which meant it was only a matter of time before they were redoing the face of K-pop and satyr music.

You'd have to be extremely cocky or incredibly stupid to pass up an invitation to work with them.

"Well, erm, I don't know if I'm quite ready for that…lifestyle just yet. I'm still in high school after all and I'd definitely have to check with my parents, so if you could give me a few days-"

In my defense I'm neither stupid or cocky, mostly, this guy just rubbed me the wrong way for some reason, and I always listened to my gut. It was a part of my beautiful body after all.

"Unfortunately I'm not on that sssort of time frame, sssso you must make your decisssion now!"

What. The. Fuck? It's bad enough he looks like Death is constantly stalking him, but an added hiss? Could this guy be any more cliché in his evil villain stereotype?

"Then my answer's no. Now, if you'll excuse me-"

In my defense I had no idea turning my back on him was a bad idea, I just thought he was a really ugly guy with a big ego who couldn't handle the word "no". I did not imagine that he would follow me into the bathroom so silently that I wouldn't even notice.

I screamed, obviously, I mean even though I wasn't sure what the hell he-she was I knew enough to know that his attitude was screaming "bad news". He clearly didn't need to go pee before we'd started talking as far as I could tell.

He clamped a hand over my mouth, I thrashed against him using my amazing powers of aim to get in a shot to his groin, but before I could even move to run away I was pushed into the tiled wall of the girl's bathroom by my neck.

Bastard, that's delicate! It holds up something very precious!

He smiled a twisted malicious smile as he slammed my head against the wall, making me see stars.

My vision blurred at the edges as I continued to lose oxygen and my head pounded with what was sure to be a migraine and the last thing I saw was his still ugly face in that victorious smile as he said:

"No one says "no" to me."

PP (The "Piper's Petrified" barrier!)

'Mm, yes Boris Kodjoe I would like another strawberry. Yes, right there in my mouth. Would I like some chocolate with that? Honey your chocolate body is all the sweet goodness that I need. What? That tremor? Probably just my excited jitters, you know how I get. What? An earthquake you say? Well than hold me baby! As long as we have each other dying isn't so-'

Gosh darn you sunlight! How dare you pull me out of my Boris Kodjoe fantasies?! You will pay for your insolence!

Wait, this constant rocking does not remind me of my bed. And why would my curtains be pulled open to let in that much unrestrained sunlight?

Suspicious.

After I adjusted to the damnable sunlight I quickly looked around only to notice that I was outside, green blurring past my eyes at speeds only a car could reach.

But if that were so than why was wind whipping on my uncovered face and something that did _not_ feel like a seatbelt holding me to a very hard object?

I tried to remember what I did yesterday. Let's see, I went to school, I auditioned for The Wizard of Oz, I met that creepy walking Fashion Disaster and then…

Nothing.

Why can't I remember what happened after I met the Fashion Disaster? My head should be filled with memories of me arriving safely home, agonizing over whether I got the part or not, realizing that that notion was silly and then going to bed. Not blankness and certainly not fuzzy images.

I subtly peeked at the person that was carrying me, dark hair, dark eyes and plain dark clothes. Not bad looking from what I could tell, but certainly not pretty internally if I was correct in my assumption that he had something to do with my fuzzy memories. I may enjoy outwardly pretty people but if your insides aren't just as pretty than you'll be kicked to the curb.

I closed my eyes in thought, because I didn't like to jump to conclusions, but considering that I'd never met this guy before and he was carrying me to an unknown location at speeds Usain Bolt only wished he could reach, I had to wonder if I hadn't really been kidnapped by Sound Records and was currently being transported to their Headquarters.

I needed to escape, but I also needed to know where I was, how strong this guy was, how many there were exactly and figure out a way to immobilize however many that was long enough to get to safety.

So I fell back asleep in tense anticipation.

PP (The Piper Planner Divider!)

I was jolted awake when we stopped, but I kept my eyes closed because I'd heard that your other senses magnified themselves when devoid of another. I was hoping hearing was going to help me out.

"A girl?"

"Orochimaru says her powers will prove perfect for his plan. She's an essential component to the army."

Okay, so there were at least two, both male, both with deep voices that signified they had to at least be past puberty. Damn, no beating up preteens today.

"So I guess that means we have to treat her well." The other was standing several feet away.

"That's right, control yourself. Orochimaru won't be pleased with you if she's got even a scratch on her."

"That's no fun."

Thank you semi-hot kidnapper! I really don't want to be raped today. Or ever.

"Are you resting here?"

"I have to get back."

"It would prove better for you if you rested a bit, besides what if she wakes up? It'll be easier to handle and subdue her if there're two of us."

"She's been asleep the whole time."

"Which means she's due to wake up any second now. Are you willing to risk letting her get away?"

I used the silence to quickly draw up a plan, pretend to be asleep until they fall asleep and then quietly escape into the night and run until I find safety.

Genius, I should get one of those grants.

"Fine. Only for a few hours though, here's her stuff."

I was jostled, rude, I'm trying to fake sleep here, and I heard a whoosh of air and a solid thump of what I assumed to be my backpack, which meant phone, which meant police, which meant freedom and justice to the bad guys!

Must not get excited and tense up, must not get excited and tense up!

I almost sighed in relief when semi-hot kidnapper put me down on the cold hard ground with no questions asked, but now came the hard part: waiting.

PP (The Piper Punisher Wall of Justice!)

I occupied the time I waited for my kidnappers to fall asleep with thoughts as to why this was happening to me.

'Obviously I am the girl they were referring to before, but what did they mean by "powers"? I don't have any powers that I'm aware of, except looking highly attractive in any situation. I doubt that could be used as a militarized weapon, and if it can then the United States government should've sought me out long ago. So what could they have meant? I guess it doesn't matter, because whatever I have that they want I won't give them! I need to keep this information straight in my head though when I tell the police, this…Oro guy apparently wants something that I have and these two that are kidnapping me are his lackeys…I wonder where I am though, I guess it might make sense that I'm still in Texas, after all if it's only been a day I can't have gotten too far and we're apparently walking to wherever we're going. Strange. I saw what I can only assume are trees earlier and the ground that I'm lying on is hard and covered in leaves so we must be in the forest…I just hope it's not too hard to maneuver out of.'

Their breathing finally seemed to fall into an even lilt and I slowly tested the waters by cracking open my eyes.

Dark.

And not just some sort of, oh I just have to sit here and let my eyes adjust dark, it was pitch black.

'Aw fuck, how am I supposed to get out of here if I can't see a damn thing?!'

Still I didn't want to sit here and risk trying to escape in the morning, they could knock me out again and we could get farther from civilization.

I carefully maneuvered myself up into a standing position without crunching any leaves around me and barely making a sound in my breathing.

I tiptoed, because that's what they tell you to do in cartoons, around on the hard ground, squinting through the inky darkness to find the shape of my bag.

My precious rainbow-zebra-on-white backpack was hard at first to distinguish from the darkness, but amongst all the other boring aspects of this forest, it is like a neon sign amongst a sea of black.

Come to mama!

I carefully lifted it from it's perch on a tree, eagerly swinging it across my back and relishing the snug fit as I attempted to tiptoe from camp.

And then it happened.

I would just like to let you know that I hate forests. Camping was never really my strong suit, even when they beat it into our heads at Girl Scout Camp, and forests contained the bane of my existence, mosquitos, or as I like to call them Hellspawn.

So it is no surprise that the very element of nature was against me and announced my presence to all with the loud snapping of a tree branch.

I instinctively froze but forced myself to relax and keep moving at a steady pace and not look back to make sure neither kidnapper had woken up.

According to the Girl Scout Handbook, which I still randomly remember some of, when in a sticky situation always keep moving if you can. It's better to use the enemy's confusion against them then to give them a clear shot to get you. I picked up the pace when in the dead of night I heard the absence of the kidnappers breathing and started out into a full on sprint when one of them let out an enraged shout.

Ow, ow, ow, running in heels hurts! I should've taken them off and shoved them in my backpack, but then the zipper would've made a noise and gotten me caught quicker and-and, oh jeesus panic attack!

I was shoved unexpectedly face first into the ground from behind, a pressure on my back and neck holding me down and suffocating me as I tried to struggle for air.

'Damn you Girl Scouts, why didn't it have a section in the manual on how to protect yourself from kidnappers!'

I thrashed wildly, flailing my limbs every which way and bucking until I managed to loosen his hold on me slightly.

I took in a deep breath when my head was freed but refused to let up on the frantic waving of my appendages.

"What was that about not a scratch?"

"She was trying to escape!" So the semi-hot kidnapper was on top of me then.

I maneuvered my head to the side as his hand came back down, the palm crushing the side of my face as he attempted to pull my head back.

I bite down hard on the thumb covering my mouth until I tasted to coppery tang of blood and heard the vicious howl of pain.

He ripped his hand away and mistakenly removed his other hand from the center of my back to strike at me.

I twisted my upper body, painfully I might add, and blindly swung at him in the dark, my long nails meeting skin and gracing my face with a satisfied malicious grin.

It was quickly smacked off my face as he held me down by my throat, this time face up and growled that Orochimaru wouldn't mind just a few little bruises and bumps.

My vision was blurring out fast as oxygen was robbed of my lungs yet again in less than 24 hours and so I did the first thing I could think of in my desperation.

I screamed.

With all the air I could gather still and with all the energy I possessed I screamed and screamed until my voice had gone nearly hoarse.

When I stopped it was only because I could draw in a breath after such a long screech and in surprise I looked up from my unconsciously formed fetal position.

I couldn't very well see what had happened to my attackers but I didn't hear any noises from them and they were no longer on top of me so that was a plus.

I could also smell a little blood in the air.

I didn't dwell on it too much though, I had to escape before they woke up; so I made haste to do so, ripping off my shoes and throwing them into my backpack while I ran panting through the forest.

I prayed that they wouldn't wake up and follow me.

PP (The Piper Potion for Warding Away Evil Spirits!)

I had no idea I could run so far. Look out Usain Bolt.

By dawn I was stumbling through some gates to a hick looking town, but the strangest thing was: everything was written in Japanese.

"Unless this is Chinese, I'm so bad at differentiating between the Asian cultures." I murmured to myself. But I guess that's what I get for being an ignorant American.

I was half dead when I walked into the first shop that was open, which thank whatever God up there was the first one and slurred to the receptionist where I could find a hotel.

The woman kindly fretted over me, which was nice because I was lost confused and probably looked like a street urchin with my ripped Dorothy dress, dirt covered stockings, disheveled hair and minor cuts and bruises.

She treated my wounds and I was too tired and too hard off to protest or even begin to suspect her.

She placed a bundle of clothes in my arms that looked pretty plain but we're akin to Versace as long as they were clean in my eyes. She pointed out to me a nearby inn, at which point I deduced even half asleep that this was a definitely a hick town if they called hotels and motels "inns", and gave me some money for food and my lodging.

I tried to protest but she insisted and in my delirium I gave her a big bear hug for her generosity before stumbling off.

Hehe, she probably thought I was a drunk.

I made it to the inn, somehow, and blearily paid with the money in my hand before trudging up the steps to the room the key indicated.

I guess I unlocked the door and then locked it, wondered idly if there were any roaches that lived would stay with me, before deciding that I didn't care as I stripped off my clothes to my undergarments and climbed gratefully into the bed, instantly falling asleep.

PP (The Piper Pillow!)

I awoke to someone shaking me and my muscles tensed instinctively at the thought that I was still in the process of being kidnapped.

So the innkeeper really couldn't blame me for reacting like I did.

I jerked up and slashed blindly at the intruder a stumble and a shriek registering in my mind before the world came back into focus.

Oh, oops, I just made an ass of myself. Fabulous.

"Oh geez, sorry, are you alright?" I groggily asked, rubbing sleep from my eye as the middle aged woman rose from the floor.

"Y-yes, I just barely missed your nails. Are you some sort of ninja?"

I let out a bubbly laugh, mostly because she sounded so serious, and asked a question that had been bothering me since I'd first arrived.

"Where am I?"

"Netsu Inn."

Yep, definitely an Asian town. Did the Japanese make Japanese towns? Japan town didn't sound as catchy as China town.

"Location?" I wondered warily, something told me I almost didn't want to know the answer. But I needed to know dammit! It was important if I was going to find my way out of here.

The middle aged woman was blushing, although I don't know why, all I had done was sit up in my haste to know the answer, but she seems to be staring at my chest so…

Oh! That's right, I'm wearing a cheetah-print bra today…

"Location?" I murmured once again when the sheet was pulled up to my chin.

"Otafuku Gai."

Okay…that still didn't help whatsoever.

"And where's that?" I wondered aloud, hoping the woman would catch on to my urgency.

"F-fire Country…" She trailed off, confused about all my questions no doubt. Couldn't she tell that I was some sort of wayward traveler? She must've not seen me when I first got in.

"Fire Country?" Was that supposed to be some sort of nickname for some country in Asia?

"Um…okay?"

She seemed uncomfortable with the heavy silence that followed, mostly because I was trying to figure out what country would be named Fire country and she was trying to figure out why I'd asked what she'd probably assumed were easy questions.

"Erm, I washed and fixed your clothes for you…t-there very pretty." She thrust them out to me and I could see that my Dorothy costume was indeed washed, which means she must've come in the room sometime during my sleep and collected my clothes.

Which reminds me…

I eyed the floor until they met my precious backpack and without shame I uncovered my body to snatch it up and rifle through it.

"Thanks." I murmured. I wonder if I have to pay extra for that sort of thing, come to think of it, where is that money the woman gave me for lunch?

The simple wooden side table revealed the coins lying in wait and I momentarily stopped my search to eye the money warily.

I knew that different countries had different currencies, but I had no idea that Asian countries still used coins.

There was a single gold coin with some silver and copper mixed in all approximately the same size with something strange written on the front and back. Strange simply because I couldn't read it.

Or maybe they didn't solely use coins? But what kind of food did that kind lady expect me to buy with only coins?

Whatever, it wasn't important.

"Where's the nearest restaurant?" I murmured as I pulled on the plain black form fitting shirt and matching pants that were just a little too large for me.

She gave me directions and I slung on my backpack quickly and thanked her, cell phone already pulled to my face as I exited.

I walked and scrolled like a typical teenager, almost as if I hadn't been somehow carted all the way to some Asian country in the span of what I hoped was only a few days.

My fingers moved to punch my mom's number and I actually stopped in the middle of the road to bounce on the balls of my feet as I waited for her to answer.

It didn't even ring.

I literally planted myself against the wall and in a panic began to call every number programmed into my phone, hoping to get somebody, anybody.

None of them went through.

I pulled my phone away from my face angrily, only to find that in my haste I'd forgotten to check if there was even a signal out here, there wasn't, not even 1G.

"You've got to be kidding me."

I refused to give up hope though, my phone was still alive and there surely had to be some payphones or an establishment with a phone around here somewhere.

I began to notice a lot of bars and…strip clubs, I guess, as I continued to search for such an establishment. I then noticed that out of most of the women here I was the most modestly dressed.

Oh dear Lord I've somehow ended up in a prostitute town.

I didn't think those were that popular outside of Europe.

But I needed a phone so I wasn't going to be picky. Although I did try to make a conscious effort to pick a less seedy looking bar to walk into.

So I walked in, ignored all the mixed lustful and leering looks I got and made my way up to the counter.

"Can I use your phone?" I asked quickly, because I clearly didn't want to be in here any longer than I had to.

The man, not at all attractive looking unless one enjoyed faux-pirates, rose in eyebrow in confusion.

"Phone?" He repeated gruffly, and I barely held back at snapping at him 'Yes a phone you ape!'.

"Yeah, so do you have one or what?" I realized I wasn't using me usual sparkling personality to get my way, but being nearly kidnapped and running for hours through a forest makes one less inclined to be polite, wouldn't you say?

"Don't know what you're talking about." He answered back just as agitatedly.

"You're kidding? Fine, is there any place around here that does have a phone?" I can't believe this guy is acting this way, just because I'm not old enough to be in his stupid bar and I haven't bought anything.

"No." He answered curtly before turning around and speaking to another customer.

I wanted to scream! How dare he blow me, _me_, off?! And acting as if he didn't know what a phone was just to get me off his back? Are you serious? He's just lucky I have so much self-control or I'd break the nearest glass over that stupid face of his.

I stomped out of the bar in frustration. Fine, if that barbarian of a man wouldn't show a little class to a lady and point me to the nearest phone than I'll find someone who will.

PP (The Piper Persevere-er)

Okay, maybe that guy wasn't being an uncouth oaf after all.

No one, and I literally mean no one when I say this, knew what the hell I was talking about when I said the word phone.

It was like I'd been blasted back to the stone ages.

I had literally inquired every person I'd passed by, travelers, show girls, perverted men –I tried to generally stay away from those though- _everyone_, but they all gave me the same funny look and asked me what a phone was.

Even showing my own phone didn't seem to make it any easier, in fact it apparently fascinated them.

That only leads me to wonder where the fuck I am.

What part of the world, besides maybe Third World Countries, didn't even know the simple technology of the telephone? Even one of those rotary ones would do as long as I got my hands on something!

This place though didn't look poor, maybe not urbanized or up to date whatsoever, but not suffering like those commercials they liked to show of starving children in Africa.

Okay, so maybe they were like the Asian version of Amish? Wasn't there some sort of Buddhist lifestyle just like that? Maybe they followed that principle here…

It wasn't going to help me though, I needed to get to the nearest large town or city that actually had _technology_ so I could contact my family and let them know that I wasn't dead.

I walked into what I can only assume is this town's version of a strip club and made my way swiftly to the head honcho without making any eye contact with any of the men that were eying my beautiful curves as I passed by.

I had to admit that the woman was beautiful, fair skin, dark brown hair that tumbled in waves down her back, a body that probably distinguished her as the top female amongst the other lot hustling for their money and it was only accentuated by the form fitting mini dress she wore.

But alas, beauty sometimes equates to ego which equates to bitchiness.

She looked me up and down, eying my clothes distastefully as if I were the _other_, and in a way I was, I wasn't a stripper and people typically, at least in America, had a habit of judging strippers to be sluts and whores.

But she also had to realize that behind these plain clothes was a similar dazzling beauty, I just had to prove it to her.

"Yes?" She sneered.

"Look bitch, don't sneer at strangers you've just met, jealousy is after the most unbecoming and ugliest trait on a person." I looked at her meaningfully when I said this.

"Huh." She murmured. "I like your spunk. Don't tell me a gem like you is looking for work?" She eyed me critically once more, recognizing that _yes_, I was pretty and could probably rake in a lot of money for her, but she probably saw herself in these good looks and I could tell she didn't exactly _love_ this job.

"No, I'm actually wondering where the nearest large town is." I assured her. She seemed to deflate, both in disappointment and relief.

"It's 12 kilometers from here, the Village hidden in the Leaves. But what you should really be concerned about is getting to the nearest shower honey." She turned up her nose and it just occurred to me that I may or may not smell after nearly three consecutive days without a shower.

"Unless you're willing to give me one for free,_ honey_, there're more important things to worry about."

She smirked, her honey brown eyes twinkling with mirth, probably because I'm just so damn funny. "I shouldn't, but I suppose such looks shouldn't go to waste, so I'll make an exception."

I tried not to blink stupidly at the hospitality being shown to me. It was almost as if karma was having mercy on me for allowing me to be kidnapped by throwing countless nice women in my direction to take care of me.

I would've questioned the validity, but I'm from the South and as the land of hospitality we always say "Never look a Gift Horse in the Mouth".

PP (The Piper Pilfer-er)

I took a shower, happily scrubbing three days' worth of grime from my poor hair and silently wondered to myself for the first time how I was going to get home.

I wasn't home sick, not yet, but I did miss my Madre and Padre a little, and I could use a Tyler Benson to talk to right about now.

He'd probably tell me to utilize every sexy cell in my body to get what I wanted from these strange Asian people, and to bring him back some gorgeous Asian dude for him to bang.

Silly Tyler Benson, he was still in denial about what role he played in the bedroom.

Anyway I got out and all my stuff was still lying there, but my former clothes had mysteriously vanished and a new bra, a new thong and my Dorothy costume were all lying out for me.

Since I hadn't packed another bra or a thong in my backpack I can only assume that Head Bitch is a good internal measure-er.

I did not however appreciate her stealing my clothes that weren't even mine…whatever! The principle of the matter is that those clothes were given to me and she stole them! It didn't matter that they weren't exactly the prettiest things I'd ever worn, it was the thought put into the gesture!

Huff.

Plus my Dorothy outfit is too short to go strolling through a strip club with. Did Head Bitch want me to be mauled by gross older men?

I knew she secretly hated me, once a bitch always a bitch.

At least she's a helpful bitch though.

Some girl stopped me after I'd changed, explaining to me which way to go to get to "Konoha" and showing me a back way to exit the strip club.

I take it back Head Bitch, I'll never forget you.

PP (The Piper Problem)

God I hate walking, when I get back to America I am going to have people carry me around like the princess that I am. I am also going to blatantly ignore that I am proving an American stereotype, which is, in essence proving another American stereotype, ignoring our flaws…

Whatever, the point is I greatly underestimated the length of Kilometers. Do you know how much distance I've covered in miles? Seven and a half! I may be fit but I did not come prepared to trek seven and a half miles through a godforsaken forest!

Thank God for that gate looming in the distance, oh geez though, I hope this isn't one of those military type settlements where they ask for all your credentials, because I left my passport back in America. Speaking of which one of the things I will continue to wonder about is how they managed to knock me out long enough to fly us all the way to America.

The world may never know.

Anyway, I snuck past the two guard people by trailing after this old looking white haired man and this blonde haired teenage boy. I didn't see their faces but I wondered if maybe the blonde haired kid was the man's grandson and they were just getting back from taking a walk around the park or something.

Aww, how sweet; in other new I am so fucking tired right now.

I need an "Inn" or perhaps I'll get lucky and score a hotel this time, although that lady at the Inn did fix my outfit free of charge so maybe America should have more inns, it didn't matter as long as it had a bed and a bathroom and was free of roaches.

I may be tired but I will not settle for roaches.

I ambled across one a few steps in, and ignored all the funny looks people gave my outfit as I passed by them to get much needed sleep.

An elderly man that looked like he could be PSY's skinnier but far less attractive, and that was saying something because PSY isn't that attractive, older brother.

"Can a get a room for the night?"

So out of it was I that I ignored the warning bells going off in my head when the man looked me up and down.

"Yes, you can share my room for the night if you'd like."

I blinked, once, twice and then finally it registered in my sleep-addled brain that this old fucker was trying to hit on me. Gross.

"No, thanks. I'll just go somewhere else-"

"No, no, stay!" The man purred, reaching out to grab my arm before I could spin around and stomp away dramatically.

Every instinct in my body was telling me to kick this man in the balls, but I didn't want to cause any trouble that could be fixed with some simple communication.

"You have five seconds to remove your hands before I do something we'll both regret."

"We could do something you won't regret instead." He grinned lecherously, pulling me back towards the counter with a strength old men should not possess.

So I shrieked, it's instinctive when you're being held against your will and faced with danger, you just scream for help naturally.

Except when I screamed for help nowadays bad things follow.

My shriek was so loud, so piercing that it just barely avoided hurting my own ears, I can't say the same for the poor notice board and several pictures hanging on the wall behind the desk. The poor glass was completely cracked in every picture and the frames were just barely hanging on their hooks.

Oh, and the pervert man was on the floor clutching his bleeding ears in pain, but no one cares about him so…

What's really important is that I've suddenly attained Black Canary powers. When did that happen? Wait, does that mean that when I shrieked yesterday I somehow inadvertently incapacitated my captors?

I did scream loud, and for a long time, I was in a desperate panicked mode at the time, so could I have…

No, I couldn't have…killed them, could I?

But all I'd done here was shriek in a short burst of surprise and I'd managed to floor and old man and destroy his pictures. So if the frequency was higher and longer…

Fortunately I didn't get to dive too deeply into these details, because in the next second I was being manhandled and carted out the door, a pissed looking old lady scowling at me near the door way.

I thrashed in my captors' arms, there were two of them, one for each arm, kicking and screeching up a storm with my new Sonic Scream powers. Can I call them Sonic Screams? I feel like that's been taken by someone… ah well, there's bound to be a cool untaken name out there somewhere.

Unfortunately my captors could only handle my nonsense for so long before they started targeting pressure points.

'Bastards, I'll get you for making me pass out for the second time in a week!' Is the last thing I thought before the world turned black again.

PP (Will Piper Perish?)

**SFA: Hey guys, so what do you think of my new story? Give me reviews! I realize it's kind of slow right now, but don't worry, next chapter we will dive straight into even more hilarity and action when Piper has to face off against Tsunade and other characters with actual names and faces. I think you'll like how she handles them, and if you can't get with her crude humor than you might want to stop reading this story because she's not going to change anytime soon, lol. **

**Let me know what you think! **

**Start, Finish, Acronym. **


End file.
